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You have at least
one hand-woven Persian rug at home.
-
You
frequently use expressions like "off beh!," "amaaan!," "abeauuuu!,"
or "aakhhh!"
-
You
talk with your hands, even when you're on the phone.
-
You
have at least one wooden mosaic inlaid "tavluh," (backgammon),
board in your closet.
-
You
have philo dough in your freezer and string cheese in your
fridge.
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Your
teenage male cousins all drive the same car, wear too much gel
in their hair, splash on too much cologne, and talk about
weightlifting and fast cars. Half of them are jewelers or
store owners.
-
You
answer "no" by tilting your head upward, arching your eyebrows,
and making a sucking sound.
-
When
on vacation, you look for Armenian last-names in the phone book,
out of curiosity.
-
You
have an estranged uncle or cousin, that no one talks about, but
everyone whispers that he's CIA or KGB.
-
Your
grandfather walks around in a pinstripe suit, over a v-neck
sweater, and a beret or fedora, in the summer heat and with a
Parker pen in his pocket.
-
Your
grandfather walks with his hands locked behind his back,
twirling worry beads.
-
The
only time your Dad utters Turkish is when he cusses or calls out
backgammon numbers.
-
You
have marble floors, granite counter tops, a display case full of
crystal or berber carpet in your home. (+2 bonus for all
of the above).
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Your
parent's idea of eating "something different" is Lebanese, Greek
or Persian food.
-
When
you come home from a non-Armenian restaurant, you eat bread,
cheese and olives before considering yourself "full."
-
When
fellow Armenian guests come over, everyone is talking so loud
that the neighbors think people are fighting and call the
police.
-
When
Armenian guests come over to the house, you automatically survey
the room for sweet, bitter, or "meechag," (medium), Armenian
coffee. (+2 bonus if you cringe and correct your
Americanized-Armenian, (e.g., "Shish-Kebab Armenian"), friends
when they call it "Turkish coffee."
-
Your
parents pull over the car to pick grape leaves or figs from
someone else's land and you duck your head to make sure your
friends don't see you.
-
You
mom goes to the grocery store, spends an hour in the "fruit and
vegetable section," and then says she's ready to leave.
-
You
mom has a jar of clarified butter under your sink.
-
Your
mom saves the Shedd's Spread Country Crock container as a
primitive form of Tupperware.
-
You
never buy yogurt. Your mom makes it.
-
Your
mom is always forcing you to eat fresh fruit by peeling it,
cutting it into pieces and offering it to you at the top of a
sharp paring knife, inches from your face, while you're trying
to watch TV! ("bdoogh ger")
-
You
have a picture of Mt. Ararat hanging in your "TV Room."
-
You
have a jar or sour pomegranate syrup, (noori tehtoo), in your
refrigerator or a box of Uncle Ben's converted rice in your
cupboard.
-
You
have that William Saroyan quote or that fancy Armenian alphabet
painting in your living room.
-
When
your non-Armenian friends visit for dinner, your folks shovel
food onto their plate, when they aren't looking, and encourage
them to "don't be so shy! Eat, Eat! You're too
skinny!!"
-
When
with friends at a restaurant, you say you have to go to the
men's room and secretly find the waiter and try to pay the bill
for the table, but then your Armenian friends see you and get up
and wind up wrestling you for the check.
-
You
point out to all your "odar," (non-Armenian), friends that
famous people like Gwen Stefani, Andre Anassi, the Chipmunks,
Cher and Kerk Kerkorian are Armenian. (+2 Bonus points if
your friends have ever answered "Who is Charles Aznavour?")
-
Your
parents watched "Mannix" even though they spoke no English.
(+1 Bonus if you knew that Mike Conner's real name was Krikor
Ohanian).
-
Your
parents give driving direction by alluding to inanimate objects
instead of street names, (e.g., "turn left at the KFC and then
drive until you see a big walnut tree and turn right.")
-
Your
parents look at you like you're stupid when you ask them what a
walnut tree looks like.
-
Your
family weddings last 3 days.
-
Some
family friend has always just come back from deer or quail
hunting and everyone wants a piece of the kill.
-
You've
got a cousin you gets drunk and sings Armenian revolutionary
songs. (+5 Bonus if the cousin in YOU!).
-
Your
grandmother pinches your cheeks, no matter what your age.
-
Your
grandmother braids her long white hair into a bun.
-
Your
parents can drink water or soda from a bottle or can, without
touching it to their lips, and you think that's cool.
-
You've
got a cousin who always has to lead the circle dance with a
handkerchief in his hand.
-
Your
father undoes his belt when he eats too much pilaf.
-
Your
father won't let a woman come near the barbecue grill.
-
Your
father does not believe in gas grills and fans his wood fire
grill with a pig piece of cardboard.
-
You
call your Armenian friends "Armos," but get offended if a
non-Armenian says it.
-
Your
mom can walk into your closet, even if it is not a "walk in
closet."
-
Your
mom tricks you into waking up on weekends by telling you it's
noon when it's only 9:45am, (e.g., "yellir! gessor yeghav
. . . dzourl!")
-
Your
female cousins all get the same "really big hairdo" the morning
of a family wedding or big party and they all wear big, shiny
dresses like parade floats. (+1 Bonus if your mom collects
the "door prize" candied almonts or the doileys from those
weddings).
-
You've
always got one cousin who wears black shirts and white ties, at
family weddings, and you all laugh at him when he dances.
Then, your mom yells at you because you made her laugh too!
-
You
have an uncle or aunt with gold teeth that shine in the family
photos.
-
You
have at least one fruit tree, (fig "tooz" or loquat "nor
ashkharh"), and a patch of spearmint, purslane or cilabtro
growing in your back yard. (+2 Bonus for all of the
above).
-
You've
got one friend who is always eMailing you Armenian-related news
stories about Karabagh or the Genocide resolutions. (+2
Bonus if you are the friend. Super bonus points:
